apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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