I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
