you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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