Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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