Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Randomize
