I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
