You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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