Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
