I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
