The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
