Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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