i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
So squirting runs in the family.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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