Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
