Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
