In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
