you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
