youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
