So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
