Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Randomize
