"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
