I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
