So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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