I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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