i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You can't just leave with hair like that
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
