She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
