You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
