mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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