I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
