i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He did a backflip because drugs
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
