You're completely useless in the revolution.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Randomize
