Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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