Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
