I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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