i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
