If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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