bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
