sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just had sex on a roof
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize