He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
