There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
