this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
How external is "for external use only"?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Randomize
