phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
please don't ironically join a cult
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