i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
