Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
