When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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