apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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