My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize