Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
