my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
