I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
