Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
