She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
