i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
