I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
