I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize