apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
