i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
