They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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