went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
