Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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