im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just want to make out with him forever
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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